I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize