I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
