i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
