listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
