take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize