I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
