I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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