just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
