No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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