Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
