matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
