I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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