I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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