Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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