finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
