Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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