we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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