who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
