dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
