you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
