I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
