I cannot find my penis.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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