My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
