I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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