you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
