Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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