Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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