Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
