you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just had sex on a roof
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
