Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
