I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
