I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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