Since when is my name a synonym for head?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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