new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
