You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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