I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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