I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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