I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
