I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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