his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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