she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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