He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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