Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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