to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
