god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
