6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
