So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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