seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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