You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
