Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
