I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
