its not stalking. its research.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
