I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
