I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
pop tarts are not kleenex
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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