just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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