true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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