my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
