Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
