Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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