I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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