did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize